Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
