My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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