i just sent this text using only my big toe
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
