god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
