he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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