Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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