Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
