i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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