i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
