Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
