Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
