I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
