dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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