If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize