Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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