so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
