Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
