Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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