Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
