i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
