franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
