I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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