I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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