somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
