I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
