I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
