Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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