What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize