need another drink. this is the easiest way
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
