i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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