Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
