Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
