i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize