when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
