I am puke
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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