it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
