so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
