I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
