you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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