captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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