"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
