i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
