guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
