I love black thongs
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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