Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
