Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
