I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
