You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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