dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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