dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize