oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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