What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We need to rekindle our bromance
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
