youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
