just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
