he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
