I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
