The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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