Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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