Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You can't motorboat a personality
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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