can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
