he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
