so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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