worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
