He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
