I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize