i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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