Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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